When I get old, will you take care of me?
A Haitian friend of mine who is married to a Frenchman and raising her kids in Paris said to me once that she was afraid of what was going to happen to her when she gets old. She told me that her kids do not have the sense of responsibility towards aging parents and her 7 year-old already talked of putting her “away” at the first sign of diminished capacity. I told her that maybe it was because they didn’t have a lot of older family members living with them like we did growing up, but she was convinced it was their generation.
I am very fortunate to have my grandmother alive and kicking at 83. The idea of her living somewhere other than with one of her children or grandchildren NEVER crossed my mind. While growing up, she went back and forth to Haiti and while in the states would rotate amongst family members. We always wanted to know when and how long she would spend with us because the ones she visited the longest would show who her favorites were (she never confirmed this by the way). My grandmother is probably not like most 83 year-olds in that she can still cook and clean all on her own. The only reason she insists on having someone in the house with her is so she doesn’t get lonely.
But, even if she weren’t able to take care of herself, I don’t think we would consider letting someone else take the charge. With everyone’s busy lives, we would find some way to make it work (it’s a good thing she had 7 kids 
). That’s just what is done in the Haitian culture, but I’ve seen that change amongst 2nd generation immigrants. I sense that they don’t feel the stigma of choosing alternative forms of care that their parents did. So, I can understand my friend’s worry about what will happen to her should she live to 80.
The difficult part about this cultural expectation is that it’s best taught through example. Having my grandmother with us from time to time made me comfortable with the idea that I would be doing the same for my mother one day. We are lucky that both my mom and mother-in-law visit us quite frequently. Hopefully, that will start teaching my kids the lesson I learned and I will never have to be away from family in my old age.
How does your culture deal with aging parents?
Tags: Elderly in American Culture, Elderly in Haitian Culture, Haiti, Haitian-American in Venezuela
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I can certainly understand that there are times when family members might not be able to take care of their elderly, e.g., not being able to properly look after someone with Alzheimer’s. If you don’t have the ability to watch the person around the clock and are worried they may harm themselves, I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of if you need to put them in a nursing home. Not everyone can afford in-home care. But such situations aside, I cannot fathom institutionalizing the elderly just because you want them out of the way. Why should age determine whether you’re allowed to remain with your loved ones, in a familiar environment? That’s just sad…
Yes, that’s why I know we are fortunate that my grandmother is still very active and doesn’t have any debilitating diseases. A friend of the family is a caregiver and I’ve seen such a big difference between elderly surrounded by loved ones versus those placed in care. Those surrounded by family live longer and handle maladies a lot better. So, I think if we had placed my grandma in a facility years ago, she would’ve passed away already.
Loved this post, I was just going to say, I am not sure if it is solely a matter of culture — seems to me that education has a lot to do with this. Family values are transferred to the children and they just want to be there for their parents when they age, it’s not a matter of obligation.
I find it very hard to be there for my parents being so far away (US) from home (France). But as an example my father has had some health issues and I’ve offered to take a sabbatical from work for a month or two so I could fly over and help him out, or sub for him in the B&B business he’s running so he can take some time off. Granted my siblings are within a 3 hour radius, yet they have not really felt as concerned as I have.
So personality must have something to do with this as well.
Maryline´s last [type] ..There is always tomorrow
You’re right, sometimes a person’s personality supersedes his/her culture. I also think that in my grandmother’s case, she has always been very flexible about where she goes. For instance, if she always said she wanted to go a certain home and for a certain amount of time, it may have been difficult to always please her. I’m making a mental note to be an easy-going senior citizen
In Jamaica, a lot of people still try to do it the old way and keep their elderly relatives with them. Some homes were cropping up the last time I was there, but there weren’t an extreme amount of them. I think that it will get worse though.
In Canada, people can’t wait to shove their elderly into a nursing home. Dump them there and forget them. That’s the way it goes. LOL! Okay, I’m not saying it’s everyone, but it’s very much the norm.
It is not easy to take care of the elderly, and I’ve seen people quit their jobs just to be able to handle it. I don’t intend to put my Mom in a home, though. I see so many people decline once they live in a home. Between me and my siblings, we should be able to find a workable solution. I mean, I wouldn’t want anyone to shove me into a home!
Viajera´s last [type] ..I cheated on my bike
The differences in how we view aging family members can cause huge clashes amongst different cultures. I try to keep an open mind as to why other cultures are unmotivated to live with aging parents, but aside from them having major mental health issues, I can’t see myself doing it. You’re very right about those in nursing homes doing worse. I know a few CNA’s who work in these facilities and the bottom line is that for them it’s just a job. The elderly will never get the attention and interaction they could living with family.
The UK is pretty similar to Canada. Shove them inside a nursing home and send the occasional card. Then turn up outside the crematorium for the funeral.
It’s a fairly individualistic, cold society so while it might be shocking to some, it’s quite normal here.
Black Backpacker´s last [type] ..Itecare – The End
I briefly worked for a nursing home in my late teens (4 days, I believe). It didn’t take long for me to conclude that I would never want to send my mother to one. But I do believe that circumstances may prevent children from taking care of their elderly parents (as mentioned, Alzheimers, etc.).
Great post. I have thought about this (being that I live in Europe and my mother is in the US). Although, God-willing, it may be decades before this is MAY be an issue for me, I have said that I will bring her to live with me. But I have heard of govts denying residency to elderly parents leaving expat children with a serious dilema.
Well, I think the fact that you are already starting to think about it will make everything a lot easier. If you aren’t prepared for the different possibilities, it’s harder to make a good decision when the time comes. I agree about the nursing homes, older people decline a lot faster living there than they would living with family. We hear about it all the time when researchers study why people live so long in certain places. The number one factor is always being surrounded by loved ones.
Utilitarian morality? In the early 1990s, I rented a room in the home of an elderly (she was 87 when I moved in) woman in Santa Cruz County. Florence was among the most active people I’ve ever seen: When I moved out, she was 93, and still served on the boards of directors of four nonprofit organizations, cooked her own meals, entertained family and friends, and spent her remaining time learning to use a computer and gardening. Frankly, she had more energy than I. She may have been a nonagenarian with many (fortunately mostly minor) medical complaints, but showed no sign of slowing her pace. In fact, it was my theory that she was simply too busy to die. Then she sold her house, under how much pressure I can only surmise, to her niece and the latter’s husband, with the condition that Florence remain there for the rest of her life: a life tenancy. This was when I moved out, because the niece was moving family in. Not long after this, I got a call from Florence’s other niece, saying that Florence had suffered a stroke. By the time this news reached me, she was resting at home, with her bed set up in the living room; and, although frail, she was alert and expected to recover. I made plans to go and visit her, but had some difficulty because of transportation (I’ve never owned a car) and the fact that I had a newborn baby, so was unable to go there immediately. The next piece of news was worse. Florence’s niece’s husband had decided to put Florence into a nursing home, presumably because it would inconvenience him to have her in the house; and since he was a retired professor with a strong sense of his own importance, he got his way. And he also soon got the house unencumbered, because within two days of being warehoused in the home, Florence died. It seems to me that this is a clear pattern: People conditioned to the existing social order in the United States today expect other people to be useful. When they stop serving a utilitarian, money-making function, or begin to get in the way, we don’t hesitate to condemn them to perish for lack of the will to go on in some loveless limbo. Is this a natural consequence of capitalist morality? I’m not sure, but whatever morality it does follow seems profoundly perverse.