The past few weeks have been all about getting used to early mornings again and of course the obligatory parent/teacher meetings (I think we called them “open house” when I was growing up). During the meeting for my daughter, who is in 4th grade now, I noticed something strange…

The teacher was going over the curriculum and the weekly schedule for assignments. She also gave an overview on each subject, as well as how she was going to evaluate them. Every time she mentioned a schedule, I saw parents’ heads go down to write. That’s when I noticed that the majority of them had notepads. What?! You’re taking notes at a parents orientation…for your 4th grader?!

Of course I had a moment when I thought – should I be taking notes, too and are they judging me because I’m not? But then I remembered – oh yeah, my daughter is the one responsible for her assignments and quizzes – just like I was when I was her age. I mean, if I do this now, when will it stop? When she’s 12? 15? 18? At what point am I supposed to let her take ownership of her work?

I’ve heard about helicopter parenting and how Generation X’ers (which I’m part of) are guilty of it. But that was in the US. I didn’t realize that I would witness this phenomenon in Venezuela. But then I realized, of course I would. Many Latin American parents expect their children to live with them until they get married. And if they don’t get married, they never leave. I know that this has changed a lot in metropolitan areas, but I know quite a few Caraquenos in their 20’s who live at home. They simply don’t see a reason to move out.

I know that there are many factors to this – economy, limited housing, parents in need of financial support, etc. and I also think that you can live with your parents and still exhibit a sense of independence. However, your parents would have to start instilling these values early on…like before the 4th grade.

So, while I can respect Venezuelans’ (as well as many Americans) penchant to be heavily involved in their children’s lives, I’m going to stick to the agreement I have with my daughter; I will trust her to do what’s right/necessary until she proves otherwise. How do you feel about helicopter parenting?

1) Patience: In this respect I don’t really have a choice. Either I increase my patience level or I walk around pissed off all the time: Whether it’s waiting for the plumber to arrive or standing in line at a store, there’s a lot of waiting that goes on in these parts. I have to admit though, all this waiting has increased my BlackBerry skills. While waiting, I can have an entire conversation with friends and family abroad…and still have time to send some tweets

2) Carefree: This stems from my increased patience because sometimes things just don’t work out the way I plan them. When the internet is down, there’s no point in calling technical assistance to see what the problem is – you just wait it out. Luckily, I have my phone (are you sensing a theme here) as a backup if I really need to connect. If the water is turned off (unannounced) because the city is fixing a busted pipe, I simply adjust my schedule accordingly. I also have several gallons of emergency water supply just in case the fixing takes longer than expected. The point is, none of this frustrates me like it used to.

3) Better tipper: Americans are not known as bad tippers to begin with – 15-25% is part of our lexicon. What I have started doing here is tipping people that I normally wouldn’t in the states: the bagger at the grocery store, the bus boy at a small café, the water delivery guy. For the most part these people are tipped regularly by Venezuelans, hence no awkward “oh no, I can’t accept this” and every once in a while I tip someone who wasn’t expecting it and receive an unexpected display of gratitude making the extra expense invaluable.

4) Spanish: Well, if this didn’t make the list, I don’t know what would. I can now say that language is no longer a barrier for me in this country – there are plenty other things that I can list as barriers At the risk of tooting my own horn, I’m very proud of the progress that I’ve made in learning Spanish and this is something that I’ll benefit from long after my stay in Caracas. Although it’s been said many times, I absolutely encourage all expats to learn the local language.

5) More Active: As detailed in my post about losing inches here, I walk more here than I have walked in any place that I’ve ever lived. Considering that I can still remember looking at my car in the parking lot from my office window and wishing there was some technology that could transport me there without having to get out of my seat – this is progress. I can also remember places that seemed way too far to walk when I first got here that have now become a hop, skip and a jump away. My perception of distance has been altered which has basically made me less lazy. I’m sure this will revert back to its original state after a few months in the American suburbs.

Note: This list was extremely easy to come up with leading me to believe that things are always better than they appear.

I think any American who has been abroad will tell you that other people don’t smile as much as we do. Not in the sense of being happy; but, as a way to acknowledge someone without actually speaking. The other day I walked by a classroom and saw a French teacher – whom I know – standing at the blackboard. I, of course instinctively smiled at him in an effort to not disrupt the class and at the same time say hello. He said “bonjour!”. I thought, well that wasn’t necessary. He could’ve just smiled and I would’ve interpreted that as “hello”. Then I thought, does he think I’m rude for not speaking and simply smiling?

Overall, Venezuelans do the same thing. When I walk past a parent at the kids’ school, they mostly say “hola” or “buenas”. No one simply smiles. At first I kept thinking how much easier it is to smile. But when you think about it, not really. A forced smile is very obvious. To make your smile count, you have to mean it. Plus, a smile can mean so many things. It can say “your child is adorable” or “that parent is being inappropriate, but what are you gonna do?”. I think I’ve actually had entire conversations with a smile. And because I’ve lived in a culture that encourages this sort of communication, it has become second nature.

Now that I’m not able to use it effectively, I’m sad. Even worse, how are my kids ever going to become experts in communicating without words? Words are great, but they can sometimes be overrated, no? You know this is one cultural norm that I’m not willing to give up as an expat – so, when they see the quiet, smiling lady they can go ahead and label me the crazy American!

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster.  One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life. ~Chinese Proverb

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write about this, but Venezuelans have an amazing ability to form and stand in line – otherwise known as the cola.The idea to finally write about this phenomenon came after I recently saw people standing in line to get on an elevator. Yes, an elevator. I saw about 10 people in the line and had to do a double-take to make sure that there wasn’t something being handed out. Every morning when I’m taking the kids to school, you can see lines 30 to 40 people deep waiting for buses. I’m always impressed by the patience Venezuelans show when waiting and it’s probably because they know that eventually, they’ll get their turn.

What’s so interesting about these colas is that often no one has to ask that they be formed. In the US, there are places you go that have signs indicating  where the line starts, as well as a roped off area to help make sure the line remains orderly – completely unnecessary here. I remember discussing this with a friend who is also a foreigner and she said it’s so ingrained that if she’s standing talking with more than one person, someone will inevitably come up and ask “aqui esta la cola?” or “is the line here?”. So, it’s as if it’s become an inherent part of the culture.

I noticed that my kids have started picking up on this, too. I couldn’t believe my eyes when my little guy (3 years-old) stood patiently in line for 20 minutes to have his face painted by Spiderman at a party. While I will probably never enjoy standing in line, I can appreciate that they’re being given this subtle lesson in patience…Lord knows their generation needs it.

It dawned on me last week that as much as I’ve talked about getting settled here, the kids’ assimilation, etc., I have yet to discuss how moving to Caracas has affected my marriage. I will first say that I’m no marriage expert and obviously each person is going to have a result based on their own experiences and relationship dynamics.

Expat couples in general

One thing that I’ve noticed with expat couples is that you can usually tell who has been in the game a while (e.g. career diplomats) and who’s new. The reason this stands out is because the way they interact with each other and others changes based on the number of years abroad. For example, I find the “older” couples when you meet them are oblivious to each other. They know how to greet you properly and ask the right questions, but you rarely see them say a word to one another. The newer couples are more affectionate – you can tell they’re a couple immediately – and they seem to use each for more support when they’re in an uncomfortable setting.

Expatriating is a very difficult thing to do. There are rarely any quick fixes to relationship problems and if there are, moving abroad wouldn’t be on that list. Basically, you both are going to be stressed out and transitioning in your own ways. In the case of most diplomats, there is the diplomat and the trailing spouse. The diplomat will face challenges with cultural assimilation, etc., but usually finds a built-in support system at work. The trailing spouse (that’s me ) can sometimes feel lonely while adjusting to all the changes and can easily start resenting making the “sacrifice” to be with his/her partner.

False expectations

I remember when I first announced we were moving abroad and people kept asking “Does this mean your going to have help?” Anyone who has lived abroad and hired a maid, nanny, gardener or whatever will tell you it’s overrated. You think that this will give SO much more family/couple time, while in the end it can actually lead to you disconnect more. Here’s how:

1) Eating meals prepared by someone else –> eliminates potential time you could have spent together cooking, or like in my house the time my husband would keep me company while I was cooking and we could chit chat

2) Household chores handled by someone else –> eliminates the communicating that would occur to decide who does what, which supplies are needed and all that jazz.

3) Kids’ activities are taken care of by someone else – > this one is obvious, but yes, you will probably end up spending less time together as a whole family and individually with the children.

Overall, you need to be more vigilant about time spent together when daily responsibilities have changed…your relationships will thank you for it

My situation

Now for my husband and I, we were off balance when I arrived because he was already 3 months into his transition/assimilation. When something was extremely frustrating for me, he had already gotten used to it. This wasn’t our first move abroad, so I skipped all the feelings of resentment, abandonment, etc. – I knew that we both made the decision to move and there were going to be difficult moments (sounds easier than it actually is).

After almost a year here, I’ve realized that we are much kinder to each other. I think we’ve learned to appreciate each other’s struggles and at the end of the day (literally), we want to enjoy our time together. We make more of an effort to do activities together – just the two of us – and that alone has improved the way we communicate. Although it wasn’t our first rodeo (yes, I watched Dr. Phil), we of course had rough patches that were a little easier to get through because of past experiences.

Whew! This is probably one of the longest posts I’ve written in the history of this blog. Who knew I had so much to say about relationships . Fellow expats, feel free to chime in if I left something out. Any questions?