While on a field trip with my little guy’s class a week ago, another mom asked me if I wanted more children. After I secretly gave her the side eye (don’t think Venezuelans understand this gesture), I said “Oh, no.” She has two girls of her own about 5 years apart like mine, but I figured I’d return the question. She said, “Yes, of course. You’re lucky you have one of each. I have two girls and I really want a boy.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this sort of conversation with a parent, but it really gets me. When I found out I was having my little guy and people kept saying to me that it’s a good thing because now I have one of each and can be done, I answered “Even if it were a girl, I’d be done.” If I initially planned on birthing more than 2 children, then of course I would’ve kept going. But, even when I dreamed of having kids, I was never stuck on gender. Yes, I wanted two and yes, it would be nice if one were a girl and one were a boy. However, I was not going to keep going until I filled the quota and here’s why: each child is different regardless of gender.

My mom had two girls – my sister and I are night and day. Growing up she was more girly, more responsible (bossy ) and subdued. I was a tomboy, played into the role of baby of the family and talkative. So, even though she had kids of the same gender, her parenting had to adjust drastically in raising the two of us. And that’s what having kids is about right – parenting? So, I think that’s why having a girl or a boy was not a huge deal. I knew that my desire was to simply raise a child – not raise a boy/girl. Am I making sense?

Is gender a big deal for you when it comes to parenting? If so, why?

I had the unfortunate experience recently of having to explain death to my daughter. Back when she was 6 years-old I had to tell her about the parent of one of her friends passing. I was very matter of fact about it – can’t help it, it’s my personality, and all I told her was that he had been ill and passed away. For a few months afterwards, I remember how she was afraid of dying every time she was sick. So lesson learned and I needed a new approach.

This time I told her that the person went to heaven. That immediately brought on the questions about what heaven was like, did she now have wings, does she hang out with the angels, etc. I answered as many questions as I could and eventually referred her to her trusty Bible.

In terms of the Haitian culture, there are various ways parents handle telling children about death. Some ignore it completely thinking that the child will eventually forget about the person. Others announce the news indirectly by their own grieving or overheard conversations. I was about my daughter’s age (8 years-old) when my mother first started telling me about people going to heaven. Since I have no recollection of being scared afterwards, I think it was the right time.

My daughter handled this sad news pretty well. She told me she felt sad and later drew a picture of the person in heaven dancing on clouds. I’m going to assume for now that this approach was more conducive to her personality

How do you handle talking to children about death? Do you have any cultural norms or have you developed your own? Do you remember the first time you were told about death?