While on a field trip with my little guy’s class a week ago, another mom asked me if I wanted more children. After I secretly gave her the side eye (don’t think Venezuelans understand this gesture), I said “Oh, no.” She has two girls of her own about 5 years apart like mine, but I figured I’d return the question. She said, “Yes, of course. You’re lucky you have one of each. I have two girls and I really want a boy.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this sort of conversation with a parent, but it really gets me. When I found out I was having my little guy and people kept saying to me that it’s a good thing because now I have one of each and can be done, I answered “Even if it were a girl, I’d be done.” If I initially planned on birthing more than 2 children, then of course I would’ve kept going. But, even when I dreamed of having kids, I was never stuck on gender. Yes, I wanted two and yes, it would be nice if one were a girl and one were a boy. However, I was not going to keep going until I filled the quota and here’s why: each child is different regardless of gender.

My mom had two girls – my sister and I are night and day. Growing up she was more girly, more responsible (bossy ) and subdued. I was a tomboy, played into the role of baby of the family and talkative. So, even though she had kids of the same gender, her parenting had to adjust drastically in raising the two of us. And that’s what having kids is about right – parenting? So, I think that’s why having a girl or a boy was not a huge deal. I knew that my desire was to simply raise a child – not raise a boy/girl. Am I making sense?

Is gender a big deal for you when it comes to parenting? If so, why?

I had the unfortunate experience recently of having to explain death to my daughter. Back when she was 6 years-old I had to tell her about the parent of one of her friends passing. I was very matter of fact about it – can’t help it, it’s my personality, and all I told her was that he had been ill and passed away. For a few months afterwards, I remember how she was afraid of dying every time she was sick. So lesson learned and I needed a new approach.

This time I told her that the person went to heaven. That immediately brought on the questions about what heaven was like, did she now have wings, does she hang out with the angels, etc. I answered as many questions as I could and eventually referred her to her trusty Bible.

In terms of the Haitian culture, there are various ways parents handle telling children about death. Some ignore it completely thinking that the child will eventually forget about the person. Others announce the news indirectly by their own grieving or overheard conversations. I was about my daughter’s age (8 years-old) when my mother first started telling me about people going to heaven. Since I have no recollection of being scared afterwards, I think it was the right time.

My daughter handled this sad news pretty well. She told me she felt sad and later drew a picture of the person in heaven dancing on clouds. I’m going to assume for now that this approach was more conducive to her personality

How do you handle talking to children about death? Do you have any cultural norms or have you developed your own? Do you remember the first time you were told about death?

I’ve noticed that a lot of people have been finding this blog after searching for US Foreign Service terms. I assume that the majority of you are landing on this post, which briefly describes my experience when I applied. I remember how crazy I went trying to find any bit of information during the process, so if you have any specific questions about anything leading up the oral exam, feel free to send them to me at deborah[at]balancedmeltingpot.com.

Best of luck to all of you!

There’s a saying that anything causing you stress right now will be irrelevant a year from now. Anyone close to me has most likely heard me dole out these words of encouragement whenever they’re telling me about a difficult situation. I also try to remind myself of this when I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by the every day.

I’ve decided to test this theory by looking back (as well as my memory serves) at the problems that I had last year to see if they have any relevance now.

Haiti’s earthquake: I can’t say that this is completely irrelevant now, but a lot of the things I was worried about last year have sorted themselves out. We were very fortunate to have not lost any friends or family and no belongings sustained any damage. It was a question of waiting to hear about people every time we heard about an aftershock. By April, we started to hear less about the earth shaking and people started getting back to their routines.

Housing: Last March we were really looking into moving from our first apartment. We were having a difficult time because housing prices had doubled since my husband arrived 6 months prior. To top it off, there weren’t a lot of options in the area. I recall finding one we really liked even though it was a little far from stores, the kids school, etc. and the landlord pulled out at the last minute. At that point, we decided whatever will be, will be. Within a month, we found the apartment that we currently live in which is much more conveniently located and cheaper. So, this one gets a check…

Employment: One of my biggest concerns before moving here was whether or not I’d be able to find work in my field. I was assured by many that I would, but my gut was telling me otherwise. Well, by this time last year I started to realize that my gut was right and it would be a long road to full-time work. Well, I’m still unemployed, but the difference is I’ve completely accepted that it’s not going to happen here and have since come up with a plan (which will be revealed at a later date ). I’d give this one a check, as well.

Learning Spanish: I wasn’t stressing myself a whole bunch about this last year, but I knew I wanted to feel a lot more comfortable going out on my own. I didn’t see much improvement by simply immersing myself and was always getting tripped up on grammar. I eventually found this course at the French Alliance and May will make it one year. As I mentioned, we’ve shifted into intensive format and I’m amazed at how much progress I’ve made (yes, I’m patting myself on the back). Even though this is a work in progress, it definitely gets a check!

So what, that’s 3 out of 4 – not bad. What do you think about this theory? Have you found it to be true for your stressful phases?

So, the other day I launched my web browser and saw on the front page of Yahoo an article about how Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas hasn’t spoken for five years. I immediately thought that the title was probably misleading and if I read it there would be some “just kidding” explanation at the end. Throughout the day, the article kept popping back up on my screen through various media outlets. By mid-day, I gave in and read it. I wish I hadn’t…

Can you believe that this man, no this person that is entrusted to interpret the US Constitution has said absolutely nothing for the past five years?! It’s not like he just hasn’t had much of an opinion on ANYTHING (which is even worse);but,  even when he is directly addressed for his thoughts nothing comes out of his mouth. I heard a recording from one of the sessions and let me tell you, it’s awkward! Upon further digging, I read a theory that he is self-conscious about his speaking voice/accent because he grew up speaking Gullah. Apparently, he’s also explained that he doesn’t see a need to ask the presenting lawyers questions because a lot of that is just political posturing. Uuhh, seriously?

I’ll put aside the fact that he and his wife are mired in conflict of interest accusations. I’ll also forget all the controversy that came with his nomination. However, this one just can’t be swept under the rug. I may be exaggerating, but I think this is a pretty important job that requires some pretty important decisions. Therefore, I can’t see how he could make these decisions without asking at least one question. Maybe he reads minds…or maybe he can see into the future and already knows what the answer would be should he decide to open his mouth

Am I overreacting? What do you think of a judge who doesn’t speak?