2) Carefree: This stems from my increased patience because sometimes things just don’t work out the way I plan them. When the internet is down, there’s no point in calling technical assistance to see what the problem is – you just wait it out. Luckily, I have my phone (are you sensing a theme here) as a backup if I really need to connect. If the water is turned off (unannounced) because the city is fixing a busted pipe, I simply adjust my schedule accordingly. I also have several gallons of emergency water supply just in case the fixing takes longer than expected. The point is, none of this frustrates me like it used to.

3) Better tipper: Americans are not known as bad tippers to begin with – 15-25% is part of our lexicon. What I have started doing here is tipping people that I normally wouldn’t in the states: the bagger at the grocery store, the bus boy at a small café, the water delivery guy. For the most part these people are tipped regularly by Venezuelans, hence no awkward “oh no, I can’t accept this” and every once in a while I tip someone who wasn’t expecting it and receive an unexpected display of gratitude making the extra expense invaluable.

4) Spanish: Well, if this didn’t make the list, I don’t know what would. I can now say that language is no longer a barrier for me in this country – there are plenty other things that I can list as barriers At the risk of tooting my own horn, I’m very proud of the progress that I’ve made in learning Spanish and this is something that I’ll benefit from long after my stay in Caracas. Although it’s been said many times, I absolutely encourage all expats to learn the local language.

5) More Active: As detailed in my post about losing inches here, I walk more here than I have walked in any place that I’ve ever lived. Considering that I can still remember looking at my car in the parking lot from my office window and wishing there was some technology that could transport me there without having to get out of my seat – this is progress. I can also remember places that seemed way too far to walk when I first got here that have now become a hop, skip and a jump away. My perception of distance has been altered which has basically made me less lazy. I’m sure this will revert back to its original state after a few months in the American suburbs.

Note: This list was extremely easy to come up with leading me to believe that things are always better than they appear.

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, my son has developed a language all his own – which I’m sure most preschoolers do – but his is the most special, I promise I remember when I was pregnant and people kept telling me that he would learn to speak so quickly because he had an older sibling. Then, after I freaked out thinking he had developmental delays, a friend of mine showed me a study where they found younger siblings took longer to speak because often the older child did all the talking for them. I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but my son was not an early talker. What I notice now, though, is that at 3 years-old he uses expressions that his 8 year-old sister says. At first I was quite impressed by his language development, then I realized he probably doesn’t completely understand every word in the phrase – he just knows when to use them.

For instance, when he sees that I’m struggling to do something, he says “It doesn’t matter, Mommy, it doesn’t matter” and shakes his hand so I know it’s okay to give up.

When you give him something that he doesn’t want to eat, he says “I can’t want it.”

If you confirm something he just said – usually by repeating it correctly – he says “Exactly!”.

Of course he says a lot of the typical words that a 3 year-old should say (his speech is a lot simpler in French and Spanish), but these few always make me chuckle – especially after worrying that his speech wasn’t developing as it should. Needless to say, I’m one proud mama

Expat couples in general

One thing that I’ve noticed with expat couples is that you can usually tell who has been in the game a while (e.g. career diplomats) and who’s new. The reason this stands out is because the way they interact with each other and others changes based on the number of years abroad. For example, I find the “older” couples when you meet them are oblivious to each other. They know how to greet you properly and ask the right questions, but you rarely see them say a word to one another. The newer couples are more affectionate – you can tell they’re a couple immediately – and they seem to use each for more support when they’re in an uncomfortable setting.

Expatriating is a very difficult thing to do. There are rarely any quick fixes to relationship problems and if there are, moving abroad wouldn’t be on that list. Basically, you both are going to be stressed out and transitioning in your own ways. In the case of most diplomats, there is the diplomat and the trailing spouse. The diplomat will face challenges with cultural assimilation, etc., but usually finds a built-in support system at work. The trailing spouse (that’s me ) can sometimes feel lonely while adjusting to all the changes and can easily start resenting making the “sacrifice” to be with his/her partner.

False expectations

I remember when I first announced we were moving abroad and people kept asking “Does this mean your going to have help?” Anyone who has lived abroad and hired a maid, nanny, gardener or whatever will tell you it’s overrated. You think that this will give SO much more family/couple time, while in the end it can actually lead to you disconnect more. Here’s how:

1) Eating meals prepared by someone else –> eliminates potential time you could have spent together cooking, or like in my house the time my husband would keep me company while I was cooking and we could chit chat

2) Household chores handled by someone else –> eliminates the communicating that would occur to decide who does what, which supplies are needed and all that jazz.

3) Kids’ activities are taken care of by someone else – > this one is obvious, but yes, you will probably end up spending less time together as a whole family and individually with the children.

Overall, you need to be more vigilant about time spent together when daily responsibilities have changed…your relationships will thank you for it

My situation

Now for my husband and I, we were off balance when I arrived because he was already 3 months into his transition/assimilation. When something was extremely frustrating for me, he had already gotten used to it. This wasn’t our first move abroad, so I skipped all the feelings of resentment, abandonment, etc. – I knew that we both made the decision to move and there were going to be difficult moments (sounds easier than it actually is).

After almost a year here, I’ve realized that we are much kinder to each other. I think we’ve learned to appreciate each other’s struggles and at the end of the day (literally), we want to enjoy our time together. We make more of an effort to do activities together – just the two of us – and that alone has improved the way we communicate. Although it wasn’t our first rodeo (yes, I watched Dr. Phil), we of course had rough patches that were a little easier to get through because of past experiences.

Whew! This is probably one of the longest posts I’ve written in the history of this blog. Who knew I had so much to say about relationships . Fellow expats, feel free to chime in if I left something out. Any questions?

The way I see it is that these types of laws are audacious. If government is now intervening to ensure that immigrant women have more of even playing field, it should first make sure that French citizens are leading by example, right? Well, the 2010 Gender Gap study published by the World Economic Forum shows that France has gone from 18th to 46th place, mostly because of the lack of women in high-ranking government positions. So, I think the Sarkozy administration should start promoting gender equality in-house before trying to fix other communities. What’s also tricky about this type of legislation is it can be a slippery slope. Will it stop at the burqa, or will it continue into other aspects of the Muslim religion? Moreover, will the government also look to expand into non-Muslim religions?

What I also find interesting is that while this law has overwhelming support by the French public, a Pew poll found that 2 out of 3 Americans are against it. I think that’s a reflection of Americans’ aversion to letting government dictate too much of their personal lives. Even with all the anti-Muslim rhetoric that’s getting a lot of media time these days, Americans have their limits when it comes to government involvement.

While I can understand where my friend is coming from, until there is more consistency and clarity in France’s decisions regarding religious freedoms, I can’t get behind this. What are your thoughts on the burqa ban?

I think it’s mostly cultural. We (I’m speaking as a Haitian) don’t need all the affection to validate our feelings for each other, but they might. Even though it can make me uncomfortable, I try to think about how they would feel if they felt they had to refrain from touching each other But seriously, what if they’re on to something? What if the excessive petting leads to a stronger relationship? Well, according to this site, the Venezuelan divorce rate is only around 7% while the US is somewhere between 40-50%. Now, I know there are bunch of other factors at play (e.g. infidelity is highly accepted here), but it does make you go “hmmm”.

So, I’ve thought long and hard about this and have come to the conclusion that aside from holding hands and the occasional smooch, I don’t think my husband and I will incorporate incessant public displays of affection into our marriage any time soon. Hey, it works for us